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Can you have a strong and happy marriage after having kids? Yes! And it’s worth the work to make it happen. Here are 10 practical tips to help you strengthen your marriage as parents.
Strong marriages do not happen by chance. They are the product of commitment, intentionality, pursuit, and grace. And children add a whole other dimension to your marriage.
One of the ways that we love our children well is taking care of our marriage and I would be kidding if I said that Hubs and I have it all figured out.
We’ve had our fair share of challenges in finding a good balance in marriage since having kids. But we have found some things that make a huge difference in helping us maintain a strong and happy marriage since becoming parents.
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Today, I’m sharing 10 ways that we have found to keep your marriage strong after having a baby.
10 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage After Having Kids
Pray for Your Spouse
First of all – pray. Pray for your spouse, for your marriage, for yourself. Pray for patience with your spouse, for gentleness and self-control. Pray that you would love them well – and to be able to recognize and accept acts of love from them (even when they aren’t what you expected).
Pray that you both would be able to communicate clearly the things that you want and need from one another. To be slow to anger when the other disappoints you and quick to forgive.
Ask God to strengthen your marriage.
Take Care of Yourself
Next, take care of yourself. I know self-care is kind of a trendy topic right now, but I’m not talking about spa-days here (although if you can pull that off – go right ahead!).
I’m talking about the really basic, showing up for yourself kind of self-care. Spending time in prayer, eating well, staying active, taking a shower. Getting dressed each day.
And yes, it sounds really basic. But as a mom, it is SO easy to let these things go.
We are always showing up for everyone else and taking care of everything else, that it is easy to forget to take care of ourselves. But, when we make self-care a priority, we feel better and we can relate to others better.
Taking care of ourselves allows us to be better wives and moms in our daily lives.
Surround Yourself with Community
Be in community. We were made for community. Even the most introverted of us needs community. And I don’t just mean a huge group of friends. Make sure that you and your spouse are in community with others who share your values and are always rooting for your marriage.
What I mean by that – is have good friends who will speak truthfully to you, will listen compassionately, and will both encourage you AND hold you accountable.
Friends that can listen to you vent when things are frustrating with your spouse – but won’t allow it to turn into a gossip session or a time to speak negatively about your spouse.
A listening ear that can offer sound advice – or just listen. But will still encourage you in your marriage.
Honestly, there have been many times when I’ve had dinner with a friend where I’ve opened up when I’ve been frustrated with Hubs and I’ve always left feeling more thankful and loving towards him – just because I was able to vent in a safe place. And my friends have been able to help me get to the bottom of some of my frustration and think of ways to better communicate at home.
Make Date Night a Priority
Remember when date night was almost a given? Hubs and I joke that every night was date night before we had kids. Of course this isn’t totally the case, but since becoming parents, having a regular date night takes intentionality and planning.
It will not happen if we don’t make it a priority.
One way we’ve done this this year is with our Date Night in Boxes. Another way is to get creative with our date “nights”. Stealing any pockets of time that we have to reconnect and “date” one another. Whether it’s nap time during the weekend, a day date when it’s easier to leave the boys with someone else, or trying to get the boys to bed a little earlier so we have more time for date night at home.
However you make it happen, just make sure you make it happen. Reconnecting with your spouse is important.
RELATED: 25 Date Night Ideas for Busy Parents
Get a Babysitter
And speaking of making date night a priority, find a babysitter. As a stay-at-home mom, it can be hard for me to switch out of mom-mode and into wife-mode sometimes. My children are almost always with me.
And it can be hard to remember that I was a wife first. Finding a great sitter (even if it’s not often) allows us to go out by ourselves from time to time and it is always so refreshing for our marriage.
*We’re fortunate that we have family that can help out some. Some other ideas might be to swap babysitting with friends or neighbors, seeking out sitters with local moms groups (Facebook moms groups can be really helpful in this) or using a babysitting site like care.com.
Commit to Prioritizing One Another
In the same line of making date night a priority, commit to prioritizing one another.
What is one thing that you can do each day to show love to your spouse? What is one thing you would like your spouse to do for you each day?
Even something as small as leaving a note in the morning, making coffee, or helping tidy the kitchen, can show love to your spouse.
One way to help think of these sorts of things is to determine what each of your love language(s) is. This will give you a better idea of where to start.
RELATED: HOW TO SET GOALS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
Take Responsibility for Your Actions/Words
Next, take responsibility for your own words and actions. When you speak unkindly or out of impatience – own up to it. As soon as you realize it – say you’re sorry. Saying you’re sorry goes a long way to diffuse a tense situation and allows space for forgiveness and a restart.
There have been plenty of times where I’ve allowed my frustrations with the day affect the way I speak to my husband – even if it’s totally unrelated to him.
There have also been plenty of times, I’ve used that as an excuse for speaking unkindly. Instead, admit where you might be wrong.
Actually, this is important in all our relationships – not just marriage.
Note – I’m not advocating just saying “sorry” for the sake of saying it. But when you’ve actually done something that you realize wasn’t right – own up to it. Everyone who is human makes mistakes.
Don’t Give Your Feelings the Final Say
This one is so important for me and something that I have to remind myself often. Do not give your feelings the final say. Feelings are indicators of what is going on around us. They reveal things that we like or don’t like. They show us our insecurities and passions. Feelings can reveal things that might need to change or improve.
But – they do not determine our actions. We get to feel our feelings and choose how to act.
Take time to acknowledge your feelings and emotions in context of what’s going on. But don’t let them control what you do.
Communicate Clearly in Truth and Love
I call this one the “think before you speak” principle. Our words are powerful.
Before you speak, ask yourself, are the words you’re about to say True? Helpful? Inspiring? Nice? Kind?
The Bible tells us:
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Colassians 4:6
Honestly, sometimes this looks like going to sleep with unresolved conflict. Taking time to ourselves to process our feelings, determine what we want to say, and how we can communicate what we feel and need in a way that is helpful to resolve whatever conflict we’re facing.
I’ve said many a hurtful thing because I’m tired or just in the middle of my frustration and not thinking clearly about a situation.
This also just means not belittling one another in our everyday talk – but always building one another up.
Keep Checking In
And finally – just keep checking in. Everyday isn’t perfect.
As parents, there are some days where really the only thing we can do is parent our children. We don’t have time for long conversations or date night (at home or otherwise).
On those days, keep checking in. A simple, “what was your favorite part about today?” before bed. A long hug while the kids are playing, holding hands in the car, or just a kiss goodnight can go a long way to staying connected when parenthood feels all-consuming.
Let’s Talk About It?
What about you? I’d love to know how you make your marriage a priority after having kids. How has your marriage changed since becoming parents?
I’m not sure if my last comment went through but I loved your post!
This post came at the perfect time! Sometimes you are running around chasing the kids and doing life, that you forget to nurture your relationship with your hubby! Those date boxes look like a perfectt idea especially for when we can’t get a babysitter.
All great points, it’s been awhile since my husband and I have had a date night and could probably use some quality time together!
I love this! Date nights are so important to us. We sometimes catch flack from friends who don’t prioritize them, but with my husband’s strange hours we need that adult time to reconnect.
These are great tips! Motherhood is so often emotionally charged (at least for me), and I have to actively remember not to project that onto my husband for the situation.
I a mom with 3 kids. 2 girls and 1 boy. Just read two of your Post now. Love, love, love them. They are so inspiring
Thank you so much, Doris! That means so much to me. I hope you’ll stick around!