Today I’m sharing a bit about communication with your spouse.  But first, I want to share a little story from when we first moved into our home.  We were first time home owners and we didn’t own a lawn mower.  I’ll just start there, because that is really what instigated this little learning experience.  It was spring and grass was growing all around us.  And to be honest, the grass (and weeds) in our yard were out of control.

It was driving me crazy.

And I don’t have a picture of it, because it was ugly and I couldn’t even think of taking a picture because I could only think of having it cut and not having a lawn mower and needing a lawn mower and being willing to pay [almost] anything for it or for a willing teenager to cut it for us.

Only I didn’t say this very plainly to the Hubs – because he certainly could also see that the grass needed to be cut and of course it was bothering him also, right?  Instead I complained a little about it and asked a few times over and over again about buying a lawn mower.  And as he always does, my sweet and thoughtful husband began to do his research.  He began a quest to find the best deal on the most reliable and durable lawn mower for us to purchase.

In the meantime, I was just going crazy.  I didn’t care about his research – I just wanted the grass to be cut.  But, I didn’t tell him that in a very plain way.  I asked him about the lawn mower research progress.  I asked him when he thought we might get a lawn mower.  What our budget for the lawn mower was.  All the while thinking that I was dropping subtle hints about how much the yard was bothering me.

And then finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I felt myself starting to resent the time that he was taking to decide on a purchase.  I was embarrassed to be the new neighbors with the unkempt lawn.  My attitude was not pleasant and I felt myself not being very nice toward Hubs.  And so one night, I simply told him – the grass is driving me crazy and I really want it to be cut.  Hubs, being the calm and collected person that he is, stopped what he was doing, told me that he didn’t realize how upset it was making me and that he would take care of it.  Within 5 minutes he had gone next door and borrowed a lawn mower and our grass was being cut.  5 minutes.

I was reminded of some important things in that moment and I want to share them with you in case you might be dealing with something similar.

3 Tips for Better Communication with Your Spouse

The following are specific things that I learned during this little grass cutting fiasco that I find myself regularly going back to in the time we’ve been married.

Your spouse is not a mind reader.

Wouldn’t it be nice if our spouses could read our minds – especially when it comes to the things that we’d like them to do and take care of?  Sometimes, they can get a good idea and respond accordingly.  Sometimes they even hit the nail on the head.  But other times, they just don’t know what we’re thinking unless we tell them.  Hubs really cares about making me happy.  In this instance and in so many others, all it takes from me is to simply tell him straightforwardly what I’d like him to do.

Understand that you might prioritize things differently.  Try to understand where your spouse is coming from. 

We don’t always see things as having the same weight of importance.  I like to have the dishes washed each night and to start the morning out with a fresh kitchen.  Hubs is totally fine washing them the next day and relaxing after dinner.  Hubs like to put his clothes away immediately and I often leave mine on top of the hamper before putting them away.  We’re just different.  Here, we both wanted the grass cut.   We had the SAME end goal.  Hubs was thinking less about the immediate yard situation though and thinking about what was the best thing to do not only now but to be sure we were prepared for all the other weeks of lawn mowing that would follow.  It’s important to talk about your priorities and understand how one another is perceiving the situation.  Don’t just assume you are on the same page.

Think before you speak. 

If I could think of one over arching lesson here, it would be to just take the time to think before you speak.  Our pastor gave us this tip during our pre-marriage counseling and it has stuck with me.  Your words are powerful.  Before you say anything – especially to your spouse – as yourself the following questions.

Is what I am about to say:

T – rue?  Is it factual?

H – elpful?  Does what I am going to say help the conversation?  Does it have a purpose that is edifying?

I – nspiring? Does it encourage and build up the hearer?  (I actually prefer to think of the word “encouraging” here, but “insiring works better with the acronym.)

N – ice?  Is it a nice thing to say?

K – ind?  Similar to above, is it kind?

If you take the time to go over this check list, you will often find yourself communicating more clearly and in a way that fosters healthy dialogue.  This has been game changer for us.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29 

 

Have you ever had any silly miscommunications with your spouse that seem laughable after the fact?  Tell me all about it in the comments!